Harry Potter and the Death of Dobby
by SuperLunchLady
Summary: Harry somehow gets a hold of a gun. And he shoots it off everytime someone says his name! This year at Hogwarts will be a crazy one for sure.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One 

Harry had arisen this morning with the beautiful sun high in the sky and, the sound of someone grunting. No, it sounded like shouting. Harry bolted out of bed, just remembering that he was half-naked, and ran out the door fully dressed. He opened the door to see Dobby chasing Dudley with a knife in hand.

"Stop," Harry shouted.

Dobby stopped running and began to stab himself in the arm. Blood was gushing everywhere.

"Bad Dobby, bad Dobby," Dobby mumbled.

One last stab and Dobby fell down to the ground, limp and lifeless. Blood continued to pour out of the spot where Dobby stabbed himself repeatedly.

"Oh Dobby, oh Dobby. How could such a tragic thing like this ever happen," Hermione cried hysterically.

Suddenly Dobby sat upright.

"Ah, why it was a mere flesh wound, that is all," Dobby stated.

"Oh Dobby you're alive," Hermione screamed. She ran up to him and squeezed him to death. Literally. Hermione let go of him and he fell down to the ground. A dog ran inside the house and began to eat Dobby's motionless body.

"Eww, that's gross," Hermione said.

BANG! Someone had shot the dog and its now dismembered parts flew everywhere.

"Well, that's the last of those gosh ding dang stray dogs," the man with the gun said. He left.

In the kitchen you could hear Aunt Petunia crying… my precious…. Its ruined…. my precious…

"It's all right, Petunia. Just a bit of blood for that insolent little boy to clean up. The precious carpet will be all right," Uncle Vernon said very loudly. "Clean it up boy."

"No," Harry said.

"What did you just say to me you lousy piece of dirt," Uncle Vernon contorted.

"I said… AVADA KEDAVRA," Harry yelled.

Uncle Vernon fell down to the ground and did a face plant onto Dobby's now half-eaten body. You could faintly see his mouth in a chewing motion. Moments later, Dobby had vanished. Harry went over to Uncle Vernon and stomped on his head.

"Get off of me boy," Uncle Vernon shouted, although muffled by the ground. Harry backed away in surprise but was pulled down when Uncle Vernon grabbed him by the ankle. He began to violently swing his arm at Harry.

"REDUCTOR," Hermione yelled.

A bright orange light shot out from the end of her wand and hit Uncle Vernon, blowing him to pieces. An arm flew out the window, a leg flew into the burning fireplace, and an eyeball fell into the bowl of soup Ron was eating. Ron dipped his spoon into the soup and screamed.

"Oh my. I can't believe that an eyeball is in my soup. They taste so delish. Harry, Hermione, you won't believe my luck," Ron screamed.

"Well, he's seems to have a feminine side to him, too," Hermione whispered to Harry with a giggle.

The two began to laugh. Hard.

There was a knock at the door. Then another. Harry decided to get it. He opened the door to see a tall, old man with a long, silver beard standing before him.

"Ah, we meet again Harry," The anonymous man said.

"D-Dumbled-dore," Harry asked with a stutter.

"Yes, who else would I be you fool? Voldemort? I do not think so. Now you know why I am here don't you?" Dumbledore said.

"To give me a birthday present?" Harry questioned.

"Yes, well no. Harry, you just performed an illegal curse."

"Who cares? It was just Uncle Vernon. Nobody cares about a fat pig like him."

"Harry, I'm going to have to kill you," Dumbledore said.

In about two quick steps, Dumbledore had walked right up to Harry. On impulse, Harry kicked Dumbledore in the knee. He then punched him in the face. Again and again Dumbledore took Harry's punches, kicks, and kisses.

"Harry, why in the world are you kissing him," Hermione asked.

"I don't know. ACCIO GUN," Harry shouted.

Almost instantly a pistol flew into Harry's outstretched hands. Dumbledore was crouched over on the floor with blood leaking from several wounds.

"Thank you, Harry, for ending my unfortunate and miserable, life full of woe and mishap. For I, am Lord Voldemort, the man who killed your mum and dad and made you famous," Dumbledore/Voldemort said.

"I already knew that, duh!" Harry said.

Voldemort continued, "Now, my life shall end because you are going to shoot me!

"Hallelujah," Ron yelled.

Harry shot Voldemort not once, not twice, but fifteen times.

"Oh my, Harry, you didn't have to shoot him fifteen times," Hermione said.

"Your right, Hermione," Harry said. He shot him once more. "I knew that sixteen shots would work better, thank you, Hermione."

"Oh my, we're going to miss the train," Ron yelled.

"Why the heck do you care, Ron," Harry said. "You hate Hogwarts.

"Oh, that's right…."

"Oh my, we're going to miss the train," Ron yelled.

"Just shut up, Ron, just shut up," Ron yelled.

"No you shut up!"

"I told you first!"

"No you didn't!"

"Ron, why are you arguing with yourself?" asked Hermione.

"I like Hogwarts," he said with a stupid look on his face. A bird landed on the window behind him. It chirped at him loudly.

"Don't squawk at me little bird! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!" He danced around like a chicken. Hermione and Harry looked at each other, and then knocked Ron out with a frying pan.

"That should hold him," Harry said.

"What should hold him?" Ron asked. Harry hit him over the head with the frying pan.

"Hit him again! Hit him again! I think his head sounded hollow!" said Hermione. Harry shrugged, and then hit him again. Not once, not twice, but fifteen times.

"Harry!"

"Oh right, sorry! Sixteen times it is!" Harry hit him again.

"Ow…..ow…..ow…."

"Oh, hello Mrs. Weasley, Harry was just beating Ron with a frying pan. Ron said that it hurt pretty bad," Ron said to his mother as he walked in.

"AVADA KEDAVRA." Mrs. Weasley yelled.

The bird fell off of the window and then blew up.

"This is too weird…." Said Hermione. There was a long silence where nobody said anything. Then Ron slapped his hands on his face like the kid from Home Alone.

"Oh my, we're going to miss the train!"

"We're going to miss the train!" Ron yelled, again.

"Will you shut up all ready, you bumbling idiot!"? Mrs. Weasley yelled.

"SQUAWK! SQUAWK!" Ron squawked. Dudley was sitting on the couch like a frog. "RIBBIT! RIBBET!"

Hermione began to pull her hair in frustration. "Is everyone going insane?" she screamed.

Just then, Cornelius Fudge walked into the room. Ron looked at him stupidly. "SQUAWK!"

"Hello, Harry, it's your good friend, Fudge!" Harry pulled out his trusty gun. BANG! Fudge dropped dead.

"Harry!" Hermione yelled at him. Harry shot Fudge again.

"No. I didn't mean shoot him again," she screamed.

"Oh… well maybe you should have said something," Harry replied.

"I DID!" Hermione shouted, enraged.

"Fu--"

"Harry!" BANG! Harry shot him again.

"All I was going to say that Fudge is dead, don't freak out"

Ron ran past Harry and Hermione. "Oh my, we're going to miss the train!"

"Harry-" Hermione began. BANG! "Harry!" BANG! "HARRY!" BANG! HARRY! STOP SHOOTING THAT BLOODY GUN! BANG!

"Hermione, Ron, Harry-" BANG! "We need to leave," Mrs. Weasley announced without noticing Harry's gunshots.

After about half an hour, Harry finally stopped shooting now dismembered Fudge, and everybody could leave for the Hogwarts Express. With the Dursleys.

"Harry-" BANG! "Why are the Dursleys coming to Hogwarts with us?" Hermione questioned.

"I don't know…" Harry said. Suddenly Dobby hobbled over to them, walking on crutches.

"Hello Master Harry!" said the House Elf. Harry shot him in the kneecap. Dobby then rolled onto the train tracks just as the Hogwarts Express came into the station to crush him.

Several (thousand) band-aids later…

The group was sitting in a booth on the train. Dobby was crying like a baby. Hermione was trying to comfort him.

"It's all right Dobby, you're going to be fine. If you can live trough stabbing yourself repeatedly, being squeezed to death, being eaten by both a dog and a muggle, being shot by… um… never mind…. And being run over by a train; well, I believe that you are going to be all right and dandy!" Hermione said optimistically.

"I will forgive you, Master Harry," Dobby said. BANG!

"Harry!" BANG! Dobby was shot again. "How could you? He, aw, never mind," Hermione said angrily. Dobby fell over to the ground. Dead.

"I guess you spoke to soon, Hermione," Harry said flatly.

Suddenly, the Dursleys woke up. "Why are we on a bloody train?" Vernon screamed. This sentence was followed by a string of words that Harry didn't even know. He was promptly thrown out of the window. Petunia didn't notice or seem to care. She was curled up in the corner repeating the same thing over and over.

"My precious… my precious... it's ruined…my precious…" Meanwhile, Malfoy shoved the frog-like Dudley into a suitcase, which was indeed a very difficult task. Malfoy and his posse; Crabbe and Goyle, started to kick the suitcase around the train.

"I've got to do something about this," Harry said.

"But, Harry, you hat Dudley" Hermione objected. BANG! Dobby was shot once more. Ron was behind her having a squawking fight with Hedwig, Harry's owl.

Harry ignored her and stormed over to Malfoy with the look of icy determination on his face.

"And what do you want, Potter?" Malfoy asked coldly. Harry walked closer to Malfoy, stared him right in the eyes and said….

"Can I kick him too?"

The group (Harry, Hermione, that retard, Ron, and a very injured Dobby) was entering the Great Hall. Dumbledore was standing at the head table.

"Dumbledore, didn't you die?" McGonagall asked.

"Oh. Right. Just a sec," Dumbledore fell over onto the table with his face stuffed into a turkey.

"Well, it seems as if we need a new headmaster," Snape said and then added with a muttered tone, "Finally."

"Oh dear. The only person available is Krew, The bartender next door," McGonagall said.

A moment later, a very, very, very, obese man riding on a floating chair burst through the doors who was followed by an impressive-looking warrior carrying a scary-looking weapon. It seemed to be a rifle with a skull on the end.

"Students, allow me to introduce our new Headmaster, Krew! The owner of the Hip Hog Saloon! And his bodyguard, Sig!" Dobby then got up upon the table where he was sitting. Fawkes then swooped down and grabbed Dobby up into his beak and flew away. The students sat and watched, horrified at watching Dobby's life end once again.

Krew sat down at the Head table in between Sanpe and Flitwick.

"Hello, Krew. I am Professor Flitwick," said the jolly, short teacher. Krew bent over and ate him, which made Snape scoot away slowly.

"Okay…" Harry stuttered.

"Er…classes start tomorrow morning after breakfast. See you all bright and early tomorrow morning," Krew shouted over the now restless students.

Ron leaned over to Harry. "We'll be lucky if there's any breakfast left with him at Hogwarts."

The next day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

"The best way to defend yourself against the Dark Arts is to lay down and die," Snape preached to his students. Dobby raised his hand. Snape glared at him, "Yes, Dobby?" he said in an irritated tone.

"Are you just saying that because you're a Death Eater?" the small elf asked.

"Of course not! Who wants to chain Dobby to the wall and use him for target practice?" The class filled with cheering and roaring.

"I'd take that as a yes," Snape grinned already beginning to chain him up to the wall.

"I am really getting tired of this," Dobby muttered.

Snape and the students fired spells at Dobby while Harry decided to shoot him with his gun.

After ten minutes of this great game, the class settled down and Snape began teaching again.

"Psst…! Harry!" Hermione whispered from across the room. After she said this she recognized her mistake. She clapped her hands over her mouth. BANG! Snape was shot in the head and then rushed to the Hospital Wing.

"So… what did you want, Hermione?" Harry asked innocently.

"Nevermind!" Hermione yelled.

"OK!"

"SQUAWK!" Ron squawked.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry yelled.

"Ahh…ooh…eeek…aw, the heck with this," Dobby stammered. He then fell to the ground.

"Harry-" BANG! Harry shot Dobby.

"Sorry, Lavender, Ha- he" she pointed to Harry, "he has a problem. When someone says his name he shoots off his gun!" Hermione whispered to Lavender.

"Poor Harry-" Lavender muttered. BANG! Another shot at Dobby.

Sig and Krew walked in. Sig came up to Harry and shook his hand.

"Pleased to meet you, Harry," BANG!

"Mr. Potter. Why in the world did you shoot my body guard?" Krew asked. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Lavender, and Krew looked down at Sig's now motionless body. "For that, I'm afraid, I am going to have to kill you," He finished.

"AVADA KEDAVRA," Krew shouted.

"Ahhh…yeow…" Dobby screamed.

"Uh… well, that's weird… I missed…I can't believe that I missed…" Krew said, on the brink of tears. This then followed an extremely long line of curses.

"SQUAWK!" Ron warbled.

BANG! Ron fell down to the ground. AS he was falling, he began to transform.

"Anybody want some turkey? It's fresh," the hunter that shot Ron said. Indeed, Ron's body had transformed into that of a turkey's.

A new Ron walked into the Potions room. "Hey, Hermione, hey, Har-. What Hermione? Don't say Harry's na-" BANG! "Don't say Harry's-" BANG! Ron said as he pointed towards Harry. "So what's going on guys? Why's Dobby, that man… oh right, Sig, and a turkey lying dead in here? And why does Ha-he keep shooting off his gun?"

"Well, let's just say that it's great to see you normal again, Ron," Hermione said with a slight smile.

"Ok, I guess I'll have to believe you on that one. So what class do we go to now?" Ron asked.

"We go to uhh… potions I believe. Is that right, Hermione?" Harry questioned her.

"Yes, Harry," BANG! "Ugh, yes that's right. But, it seems to be that we have a mistake. Left, Ron, not right, right takes you to the girl's lavatory," Hermione stated without emotion. Ron, despite what Hermione had just told him, kept walking to the right.

"Ron, were you listening to me?" Hermione asked.

"Yes," Ron answered flatly.

"Then why are you—Harry!" BANG! "Do something, Harry," Hermione shouted. BANG!

"Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?" Ron mocked as he turned around.

"Nothing," Harry said. Ron and Harry burst out in laughter.

"Good one, Harry! Oops!" Ron said. BANG! Harry shot Parvati Patil as she stepped out of the lavatory.

"How could you shoot her, Harry?" Lavender screamed. BANG! Harry shot her too. Parvati and Lavender now lie in a heap outside of the girl's lavatory.

"Get back here. This is not funny," Hermione screamed to Ron.

Ron took one step farther.

"Ron," Hermione warned. He took another step.

"CRUCIO!" Hermione shouted. "Oh, no!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Ooh…ouch…ahhh!" Dobby shouted. Dobby was lying on the floor, cringing in pain.

"Oh, Dobby, I am so, so sorry," Hermione sobbed, tears falling from her eyes.

"Sorry isn't going to cut it, Hermione," Harry said with no emotion.

"Well, it's all Ron's fault. If he hadn't been walking towards the girls' lavatory-" Hermione began.

"Girls' lavatory? Ew. Why didn't you tell me? I wanted the boys' lavatory," Ron said, his voice turning feminine, a sly grin spreading across his face, and giggle escaping from his face.

"Sick, Ron, that is nasty. Why the heck would you say something like that?" Hermione questioned in disgust.

"It's true!" Ron giggled. "And it would have been a great treat if only you were there, Harry." BANG! Harry shot Dobby.

"Yeow," Dobby screamed.

All of a sudden, Ron began to change. He was changing just like he had earlier that day. Only, this time, he changed into Luna Lovegood. "H-hey guys, what's up?" Luna asked.

Ron came out of the girls' lavatory. Hey, Hermione, Luna, Harry-" BANG! Dobby was shot again. "What in the name of bloody-" Ron began again.

"Sorry, Ron. Har-he." She pointed to Harry, "is going crazy," Hermione answered. She twirled her finger around in circles beside her head.

"What's going on?" Harry asked.

"Well, I just came out of the girls' lavatory," Ron began, "and… well, I just told you.

"Luna was using a Polyjuice Potion to be you, Ron. That's the second time today!" Harry screamed with frustration.

"Calm down, Harry!" BANG! "Gosh dang it, Harry!" BANG! "STOP SHOOTING THAT BLOODY GUN, HARRY!" Hermione screamed. BANG! The last three shots pierced the heap of Parvati and Lavender outside of the girls' lavatory.

"Why the bloody—" Ron began but was cut off.

"Ron, no swearing. Someone may just "accidentally shoot you." Hermione warned.

"Oh…kay… So why would anyone want to be a fat git like me?" Ron asked.

"I dunno…" Luna questioned herself.

"Second time? When was the first time that somebody was me?" Ron asked, dumbfounded. "Well, uh… nobody was you the first time, not a person that is," Hermione said in a matter of fact tone.

"Then…huh?" Ron asked. "That makes no sense."

"Well, it does make sense, Ron. Today during Defense against the Dark Arts, we chained Dobby tot a wall and used spells on him. You were there," Hermione began.

"But-" Ron cut in.

"But of course you couldn't have been. Anyway, you were acting pretty retarded." Hermione continued. "You were "squawking" and arguing with yourself. Then, a muggle hunter came in and shot you. All of a sudden, you changed into a turkey."

"So I was a bloody TURKEY!" Ron bellowed.

"Well, not really, the turkey was you," Harry said in response.

"Fine then, be that way. CRUCIO!" Ron screamed.

"Arghh …ahh…yah…help…" Dobby sobbed.

"My goodness, Dobby, you sure are having a rough year," Hermione stated with sympathy.

"So are we going to go to potions anytime soon?" Harry asked.

"Dang, I forgot all about Potions!" Hermione yelled.

All four of them raced off towards the dungeons.

"Luna, where are you going?" Harry asked.

"I dunno…" Luna replied.

"AVADA KEDAVRA" Hermione shouted. Luna fell down onto the ground. They could hear a faint, muffled scream that sounded as if someone was yelling "Gerroff ome." Within moments, they could see Dobby scrambling form out underneath Luna's motionless body. It appeared to be as if Luna had toppled onto him. "I never really liked that girl, you couldn't trust her." Hermione finished. All three of them laughed. Hermione grinned at Harry.

The three of them came to a halt as they neared the Potions room. When they opened the door, Snape looked up with a grin. "You're late!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Hermione shouted. Snape fell over with a thud. An eruption of cheers came from the remaining Gryffindors. The Slytherins had a look of disbelief. Neville ran over to where Snape was lying. He picked Snape up by the feet and lifted him up into the bubbling cauldron by his desk.

"Six years of torture, SIX YEARS!" Neville screamed, tears streaming down his face. The class heard a faint sizzling sound and an evil high-pitched voice screaming, "I'm melting…" Then a loud pop could be heard. Then all was silent.

"Humph." Neville grunted, breaking the dead silence. He began to dance in triumph. Malfoy began to walk towards Ron, Harry, and Hermione.

"Whaddaya want, ferret?" Hermione asked coldly.

"What I want for Potter to do is turn and look at Ron," Malfoy contorted.

"Whatever." Harry muttered. He turned to look at Ron.

"Now, what I want you to do, Harry," Malfoy couldn't finish his sentence because at that exact moment… Harry shot off his gun.

"Ergh…master…quit hurting…me…" Dobby sobbed loudly.

"Argh!" Draco screamed. "Potter, what is wrong with you? Why didn't you hit Weasleboy?"

"Er…" Harry answered. He was still facing Ron.

"Yeah. Nothing is wrong with Harry!" Ron yelled. BANG! Harry shot Ron. People remaining in the classroom shrieked. Ron fell down to the ground and the all-familiar transformation began. This time, however, Ron became much fatter. When the transformation was complete…

"Dudley?" Harry asked.

"Dudley? This cow has a name?" Draco mocked quite loudly.

"I usually think of him more like a barge," Harry replied.

"That would work," Draco said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Dudley, what are you doing here? I thought I killed you along with your stupid mother and your fat cow father!" Harry boomed.

"It's barge, Potter, not cow!" Draco sneered

"Oh, well just let me lie down and die," Dudley said calmly, lying down while he spoke.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" A woman yelled. A beam of green light shot from the doorway. With graceful, swift movements, the woman walked briskly over to the fat, dead boy. Sorry, fat, dead barge. Then she kicked him.

"You stupid, fat, idiotic, retarded, dumb, lazy, crabby, annoying, pesky, huge, tubby, ginormous, ugly-" the woman began, but was cut off.

"Get on with it, McGonagall!" Hermione yelled.

"-humungous, unintelligent, childish, overweight, constipated, loser!" McGonagall finished. "Thank heavens you're dead!"

"Okay then…" Hermione mumbled to herself.

Professor McGonagall adjusted her hat and spectacles and walked out of the potions room. When she reached the doorway she turned around and pointed to Dudley. She then put her fingers next to her head as if they were a phone. She mouthed the words "call me" and then walked quietly out.

"You idiot! You killed him! He CAN'T CALL YOU!" Hermione shouted.

Professor McGonagall poked her head in and said, "Half a point from Gryffindor.

Everyone gasped. "Not half a point!" Hermione said.

"Yes," Professor McGonagall said. "I'm sorry I had to take so many points away from Gryffindor, but it had to be done."

"Whatever," Hermione mumbled. "Let's go Hair- I mean, friend."

Harry and Hermione walked out of the dungeons and into the Great Hall.

"Oh look, Hermione. Because of you we're not in first anymore. Ravenclaw has 637 points and Gryffindor has 636.5 points. Dang you!" Harry yelled.

"Who cares? It's half a point!" Hermione shouted.

Professor McGonagall came from the Entrance Hall and walked towards Hermione and Harry. "Another half point from Gryffindor! Not shouting in the Great Hall, Granger."

'But he was shouting too!" Hermione stammered as she pointed to Harry.

"No, Mr. Potter yelled. You shouted. There's a difference." Professor McGonagall walked away, leaving Harry and Hermione alone.

"Geez, Hermione, you should know that you can't shout in the Great Hall," Harry scolded her.

"Shut it!" Hermione sneered. "Ooh…I have an idea! Follow me!

Hermione began to walk and Harry followed her. They walked passed knights in armor, passed paintings, and walked up many sets of stairs. They finally came to a stop in front of a place where they had hoped to never find themselves again.

"Hermione, we can't go into that crazy coot's class!" Harry said excitedly.

"Come! I've been expecting you!" Professor Trelawney said. She let down her trap door ladder.

"How? Can you look into the future?" Harry asked.

"No, Hermione called me," Trelawney said.

"Oh." Harry said.

Harry and Hermione climbed the ladder with Hermione in the lead. When they reached the top and stood up they noticed that class was packed. They looked around and found that a table was empty near the front. They sat down quietly with all eyes locked upon them.

Professor Trelawney gave each of them a teacup. "Drink," she said. Harry and Hermione downed their glasses in one swallow. The students continued to stare in amazement. Professor Trelawney quickly grabbed Hermione's cup and gasped. "The tea leaves have spoken. Death is in the imminent near future."

"You got that right girlfriend!" Hermione raised her wand. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Professor Trelawney fell face first onto the ground and the class erupted into cheers.

"Boy, you sure are popular today, Hermione," Harry said emotionlessly.

"Well, that was fun," Hermione said obviously ignoring him. A wide grin had spread across her face.

"Now what?" Harry asked.

"I have an idea!" Hermione said. "Follow me!"

They left the obnoxiously loud classroom and climbed down the ladder. They followed the exact same path as they did when they went to the divination room except for a minor detour. Harry had to use the bathroom. When they had reached the Great Hall, they kept on walking.

Harry and Hermione hurriedly walked out the doors of the castle. When they stepped outside, Hermione began to sprint towards Hagrid's hut where he was having a class. Hagrid had Dobby in his arms.

"Are they learning about house elves?" Harry asked.

"I guess so…" Hermione answered.

Hagrid looked up once Hermione and Harry had reached the group of students.

"Hey Hermione! Hey Hair—" Hagrid yelled. The class turned to look at the two of them.

"Don't say his name!" Hermione yelled back.

"I'll say Hair—" he never got the chance to finish his sentence.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Hermione yelled. Hagrid fell over, still holding Dobby in his hand, who was crushed by the half-giant. "I told him not to say your name. I don't want you shooting off that dang gun."

The class cheered and pandemonium began. They ran around hugging, laughing, and cheering.

"Well, I'm bored, let's go to lunch," Hermione stated blandly.

"Wait, Hermione, let's ride these brooms to the castle!" Harry pointed towards Hargrid's hut. He walked over to the hut and picked up two objects. He came back to where Hermione was standing. "Here's your broom," he said. He began to mount one himself.

"You idiot, these are mops!" Hermione shouted heatedly. She began to walk towards the castle. She turned around to see Harry still trying to mount his mop.

Harry finally gave up and…BANG! He shot the mop. "That's what you get for not flying!" He chased after Hermione, who had nearly reached the castle.

"Where's your mop?" Hermione asked him, once he had caught up to her.

"It didn't work. So I shot it," Harry said.

"And did that make it work?" Hermione asked in a mocking manor.

"I dunno…Let me go check," Harry said, beginning to turn around.

"Ugh…no…let's go eat," Hermione said with an annoyed tone in her voice.

They walked in silence until they heard a stomping noise. Hermione turned to see that Hargrid's class was stampeding towards them.

"AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!" Hermione shouted. Beams of green light and bullets were flying directly towards the stampede. Every missile marked its target. The students were falling over, and then being trampled. Within seconds all the kids were lying in heaps.

"Killing all those kids sure works up my appetite!" Hermione said loudly.

When they entered the Great Hall, almost everyone was already eating. Harry and Hermione quietly entered the noisy hall, and hurriedly walked to the farthest table, trying to remain unnoticed.

When Harry and Hermione sat down, they began to let their eyes wander, looking around the huge hall. When they looked in the direction of the staff table, they noticed that there were a lot of empty seats.

"Where'd all the teachers go?" Harry asked, confused.

"Remember? I killed a bunch of 'em." Hermione replied flatly.

"Right," Harry said.

Hermione picked up her knife and fork and looked down at her plate. She was about to cut into her food when her facial expression changed. She looked as if she wanted to hurl.

"This looks so gross! Don't eat that!" Hermione said. She looked towards Harry who had his cheeks puffed out, stuffed with food.

"FOOD FIGHT!" Hermione yelled, rising to her feet. She grabbed the nearest item, a steak, and hurled it across the room. She hit a Ravenclaw first year in the head, and she fell face first into her mashed potatoes.

The girl sat back up and threw her bowl of potatoes at the Slytherin table. She hit the Slytherin Quidditch captain square in the chest.

By that time, chaos had begun. Potatoes, peas, carrots, pies, and knives were flying across the Great hall. A Hufflepuff boy threw a knife that flew right towards Professor Flitwick.

"ACCIO DOBBY!" Professor Flitwick yelled. Dobby appeared in his hands, just in time to block Professor Flitwick from the soaring knife. Dobby screamed in pain and agony.

"Why are we using our hands when we can use magic?" Hermione asked Harry. She pulled out her wand and began to levitate food, plates, and dinnerware. Harry pulled out his gun and began to shoot it off.

Harry was killing people left and right, while airborne silverware killed many others. Harry killed the Head girl, six Slytherin boys, Percy Weasley, and the Ravenclaw Quidditch captain.

Professor McGonagall was yelling at the top of her lungs, "Half a point from Gryffindor! Half a point from Ravenclaw! Half a point from Hufflepuff! Half a point from Slytherin!" Many knives and forks were thrown here way to get her to stop, but that just kept her going.

"ACCIO DOBBY!" Hermione yelled. Dobby came to her hands. She decided to chuck him across the hall. Dobby was screaming, "Help! Help me! AHHH!" He flew right into Cho Chang, and he killed her.

"Yay!" Hermione yelled. "Touchdown!"

"STOP! I have an announcement to make," Headmaster Krew shouted over the entire racket. The whole room was quiet; everyone dropped there weapons and fixated their eyes upon him. "Thank you. Now, tonight we will have a dance to celebrate the new year…those of you that are still alive however. You must have a date to the dance; otherwise you will not be permitted to enter. You may resume!"

The chaos of the food fight began once again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The food fight began once Krew had finished his speech. Food and silverware were once again soaring through the air. A Hufflepuff girl threw a carrot at the Gryffindor table, and just managed to hit Hermione.

"THAT'S IT!" Hermione turned to look at the girl who had just thrown the carrot at the WORST person possible. Hermione raised her wand. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" A beam of green light was sent to the poor Hufflepuff girl. Her legs collapsed from beneath her, sending the rest of her body to the ground as well.

"Well, Hermione, I'm bored. Can we go now?" Harry asked. He put his gun away in an inside pocket of his robes.

"Sure, Harry!" He pulled it right back out of his robes. BANG! He shot Colin Creevey who had just asked Harry if he could see his gun.

"There's your look." Harry said. Hermione burst out laughing. She reached down and pulled the camera from around Colin's neck. She raised the camera to her eyes and clicked the button. The flash went off and the picture popped out.

"Oh he just looks so cute when he's dead!" Hermione said, pretending to enjoy a daydream. She pocketed the picture and then looked to Harry.

"Where should we go now?" she asked.

"I'm hungry! Let's go to the kitchens," Harry said.

"WE JUST ATE! Okay, I guess we didn't eat," Hermione answered. The food fight was still going on around them. The walked out of Great Hall and walked down a flight of stairs to the kitchens.

They reached the portrait of the fruit bowl within minutes. They stopped right in front of it and turned to look at the masterpiece.

"Now what?" Harry asked.

"Duh! You're supposed to tickle the pear, Harry," Hermione answered annoyed. BANG! Instead of tickling the pear, he shot right through it. The door to the kitchens appeared and opened automatically.

"I guess you can shoot it too," Hermione muttered. They walked into the kitchens to find Dobby and Winky waiting for them.

"Hey Dobby!" Hermione yelled excitedly. "Feeling better?"

"Yes, Mistress. Dobby is feeling much better now that Master isn't hurting him."

"Dobby, go get me a turkey." Harry commanded.

"Yes, Mater." Dobby quickly vanished, only to reappear seconds later with a twenty pound turkey in his hands. He was stumbling under the weight of the bird.

"Thank you, Dobby." Harry reached out for the turkey.

"Anything for you, sir," Dobby said quickly.

Harry took the turkey from Dobby, opened his mouth wide, (and I mean WIDE) and swallowed the turkey whole. He then licked each of his fingers.

"This boy's lucky because he has a mouth large enough for Honeycomb cereal!" Hermione said in a deep commercial narrator-like voice.

"Whoa! How did I do that?" Hermione shouted, her voice back to normal.

"Did Mistress have one too many butterbeers?" Winky asked with a hiccup.

"No! But I'd sure love to have one!" She shouted. Winky ran to get one, bringing one back within the flash of a second. Hermione quickly downed the drink. "More!!!" Hermione said, groping with her hands for more. And so this went on until Winky collapsed.

"True dat bro'!" Hermione said in her new gansta voice. She turned her head towards a scrambling house elf and belched right in his face. The tiny elf fainted and had to be carried off by two other elves.

"Good one," Harry said.

"Dawg, you ain't seen nuthin' yet!" Hermione said in her gangsta voice.

She got up off of her stool and grabbed Harry by the arm. She dragged him out of the kitchens. Before exiting the kitchens, she turned and yelled to the elves, "Later Shorties!" The elves all smiled eagerly and bade her good-by.

Harry turned towards Hermione. "Hermione, what's wrong with your voice?" He asked.

"You trippin' bro?! Dawg, there ain't nuthin' wrong with my voice!" Hermione shouted. She pounded her chest twice and flashed him the peace sign.

They walked in silence to the Great Hall. There they saw dead children everywhere. Scattered around the room were teachers checking to see if anyone was still alive.

"What happened to these suckers!" Hermione said. "Who blew up this joint and didn't tell me!?" She flashed a very nasty finger gesture to the teachers.

"Hermione, I think that you should go and change your clothes. You've spilled butterbeer all over your robes," Harry said.

"Ay! You ain't crappin me!" Hermione said, looking down the front of her robes and then rubbing her hands all over herself. Harry looked at her and then couldn't stop looking at her. Hermione noticed and halted what she was doing. She yelled at Harry, saying, "Bro! Get your white butt up those stairs to the common room!"

They walked to Gryffindor Tower in silence, except for the occasional "Hey Shorty!" to first years passing by.

"Hermione, can you do me a favor?" Harry asked.

"Anything for my brotha from anotha mutha!" Hermione said, puffing out her lips.

"Can you stop being gangsta for a while, it's kinda creeping me out." Harry said nervously, pondering whether or not he should make a run for it. With Hermione, he couldn't be too sure of what she was going to do.

"Bro! I can't! It's just a side effect from all dat butterbeer!"She yelled to him. A ffth year walked by them.

"True dat!" He yelled. He and Hermione did a handshake thing and then continued walking away in opposite directions.

They came to the portrait of the 'fat' lady. "Password!" She said, barely moving her lips.

"Whoa, Dawg! When did ya get dat skinny?!" Hermione yelled in her new butterbeer driven, gangsta voice.

"Oh, I just went on the Subway diet." She replied.

"Cool," Harry said, looking slightly confused. "Polyjuice Parpelonia."

"Eh! Wrong! Try again, loser!" Thin lady yelled at him.

"Bro! Don't ya know it was changed to Homie G?" Hermione said.

"Correct! You may enter!" The thin lady swung open, revealing the Gryffindor common room. Hermione flashed the thin lady a peace sign in thanks.

"Bro, I gotta change my clothes! Wait for me, dawg!" You don't wanna mess wit this!" Hermione pointed to herself with both index fingers and slowly backed away into the girls' dormitory.

Five minutes later, Hermione came down from the dormitories wearing a black pair of skateboarding shoes, baggy camo pants, a big baggy t-shirt, and a Yankee's baseball cap, turned to the side.

"Hey, Homie Potta! G, ya ready to go or what, Dawg?" She said, walking over to Harry and slinging her arm around his shoulder.

"Whoa! Hermione! You look HOT!" Dean Thomas said as he crawled through the portrait hole.

"Any you trippin' foo! PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!" She shouted, pointing her wand suddenly at Dean Thomas. "Ha! Get it? I said 'you trippin' foo' and then he fell. Dawg, it ain't eva betta than dat!" She yelled at Harry.

"Right…" Harry said, glancing around nervously. "Are you ready to go?" He asked. At that time, Ron came down the stairs to the common room. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" He asked stupidly.

"Where the bloody—" BEEP—"did you come from?" Hermione screamed. "What the—" BEEP— "There goes that—" BEEP—"-ing beeper again. Where the—" BEEP- "is that coming from? ACCIO BEEPER!" She yelled. A little black box flew to Hermione's outstretched hand from behind Harry's back. "Why the bloody—"

"SILENCIO!" Harry yelled. Hermione's words suddenly stopped, and Harry could read her lips saying 'do you have this?'

"Ah, I love the sweet sound of silence. Harry said.

"Huh?" Ron asked, confused.

Meanwhile, Hermione clutched at her throat and sank to the floor in silence. Ron and Harry looked at each other, then looked at Hermione and burst into laughter. Hermione was rather annoyed and began to give them rude arm gestures and finger gestures.

"Well, we'll see you later, Hermione. I just remembered that we have to go to Quidditch practice. Toodles!" Ron said as he finished with a feminish wave. He turned around and began to walk swiftly to the portrait hole. He was swinging his buttocks back and forth; and his feet were clanking loudly. Harry looked down at his feet and saw a pair of vibrant purple high heeled shoes.

Harry stood with a confused look on his face for a moment, shrugged, and then ran after him.

When Harry and Ron arrived at the Quidditch pitch, the rest of the team was already practicing.

"Oh fiddlesticks! I forgot my broom stick!" Harry shouted with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

"Just use one of theirs," Ron suggested as he pointed to the sky.

"Good idea! ACCIO LEO'S BROOM!" Harry shouted. He pointed his wand at the second year chaser. His broom came out from under him and flew to Harry's outward reaching arms. Leo, however, could not hover in the air and was sent headfirst to the ground. He curled up into a ball and when he hit the ground, he bounced back up. He continued to bounce around the castle grounds like a bouncy ball being thrown in a gym.

Hermione came out of the castle doors, arms outstretched, yelling boldly, "BAAAAAALLLLLLLL!" (her silencing charm had obviously worn off) She continued running after the ball/boy until she tripped and fell flat on her face. She got up on her feet and continued her previous activity. Until she fell again. This unusual game went on for another ten minutes.

"Well, isn't that interesting?" Harry said dully.

"It's brilliant!" Ron responded. Harry and Ron mounted their brooms and took off. They flew around for a moment to get used to the altitude.

"Okay team, huddle up!" Harry shouted. His team gathered in the middle of the field.

"Dobby! What are you doing here? Where did you get a broom?" Harry asked loudly. "Hey! That's my broom! Give it back!"

"No!" Dobby said. He stuck out his tongue and flew away. Harry pouted and then he chased after him, but was no match for Dobby on a firebolt. Dobby's, or rather Harry's, firebolt flew boldly and unreachably around the Quidditch pitch.

The chase eventually ended, leaving Harry without his broom. Dobby and Harry continued to make faces at each other. Finally, Harry pulled out his wand and permanently painted a clown face on Dobby.

"Okay. Now, today we are preparing for our upcoming match against Ravenclaw. So, our chasers will be taking shots on our keeper. Our keeper will be doing his, rather her, best to stop the shots. Won't she?" Harry asked. Ron was in the middle of blowing a kiss to Seamus Finnigan, who blushed, and then turned around to look at Harry.

"Hmm?" He asked.

"Never mind. Anyway, our beaters will be…ah…they will be using Dobby as a moving target. Got it?" He paused. "Good!" He finished cheerfully. He grinned at Dobby who gulped loudly. Fear was etched on his face like a horse on an etch-a-sketch.

The beaters grabbed their bats and began to swing their bats in practice. When they finished, the bludgers were unleashed and began to bombard the poor little elf.

At the end of the practice, Dobby was bruised everywhere. He also had several broken bones. Dobby flew down to the ground and dismounted Harry's broom. The rest of the actual team followed suit and landed safely on the ground, except for one. Ginny had lost control of her broom and was freefalling straight to the ground. She tried to regain control, but failed, as she crashed right on top of Dobby. The house elf grunted at the impact. Ginny stood up the moment after she collided with the stupid creature. (stupid, short, same thing. Who cares anyway?)

"Thanks Dobby! You really cushioned my fall! It didn't hurt a bit!" Ginny yelled cheerfully.

"Yeah…whatever I can do for you, mistress…ow…I think I broke even more bones…ow…I think I'm going to go to the Hospital Wing…" Dobby said with his pain showing. He tried to get up, but failed miserably, as he was lying face down again within ten seconds. "Never mind." He said again.

'Here, Dobby, let me help you!" Harry said happily. He pointed his wand at Dobby, chanted and incantation, and sent Dobby flying through the air.

Dobby was sent into the air towards the castle. He flew up to the Hospital Wing window and crashed right through it. Harry heard his scream as the glass cut him up, and he winced.

All of a sudden, Leo bounced right in front of the team, and then disappeared just as quickly as he came. A few seconds later Hermione came running after him, arms outstretched, yelling, 'BAAAAALLLL!" And then she fell flat on her face.

Read on! i updated!!! 


	4. Chapter 4

Okay! So I got another update up! And I just reached a major milestone, for me that is! I reached 10,000 words! Woohoo! Now let's see if you can help me reach another milestone, of 20 reviews, wink wink Thanks to all of my readers!

Chapter 4

"Should we go visit Dobby?" Harry asked.

"Nah. Who needs Dobby?" Let's go see McGonagall in her nighties," Ron suggested.

"But it's only 7:30! And it's still light out! Why would she be in her nighties now?" Harry asked in astonishment. Harry looked around to see that it wasn't light out anymore; rather, it was nearly pitch black. Harry checked his watch, which was very hard because it was very dark, and announced to Ron that it was 10:30.

"Niiiiiiiiice," Ron chided.

"I see that your feminism has vanished," Harry stated, trying to make some small talk.

"Or has it?" Ron posed. "Just kidding!"

"So, what have we been doing for the past three hours? And where is the rest of the team?" Harry questioned angrily.

"Well, you dismissed the team two hours, fifty two minutes, and exactly sixteen seconds. And for your first question, we've been watching Hermione run around after Leo. Interesting, huh?" Ron finished as he went to his previous nearly three-hour entertainment.

At that moment, Hermione ran by, chasing after the bounsingslashrolling Leo.

"Hey Ron! Hey Harry!" Hermione tried to yell to them, but her words were choppy and separated due to her lack of air.

BANG! Harry shot Leo, who immediately stopped rolling, leaving a puddle of blood behind him. Hermione slowly staggered up to where he lay, still in a ball.

"I have come to suck your blood!" Hermione shouted with an odd Transylvanian accent. She opened her mouth to reveal a large set of canine teeth appearing to be fangs. She swiftly got on her knees and moved her head right next to Leo's neck.

"Hermione? What does that even mean?" Harry asked.

"Umm, I don't know. I saw it in this really cool movie I watched last night. I thought it would be fun to try it," Hermione answered.

"Oh, I see, Well, let's go see McGonagall in her nighties!" Harry shouted excitedly.

"Okay! I'll race you there!" Hermione retorted. Harry, Hermione, and Ron took off towards the castle at a dead sprint. They pounded up the steps, through the doors, and down the nearest hallway. They weaved their way through the castle and soon became caught by a newly hired teacher, Professor Potsmokin. Scratch that, Professor Blottsoken. It's a common mistake that anyone would make, right? Anyway, Professor Spotsopen yelled at the infamous trio.

"Hey! You're not supposed to run in the hallway!" Professor Potsbroken shouted to them as he ran to catch up with them. The three turned around and stopped, waiting for him to catch up with them. When he reached them, he had to take several minutes to catch his breath.

"You know, Professor Potsmokin, you should stop smoking all that pot I've been selling you, and get back into shape!" Hermione spoke up.

"You're right. Anyway, you're not supposed to run in the halls," Professor Slottokens said.

"Don't care!" Harry shouted unreasonably loud.

"Mr. Potter! Do not use that tone with a professor such as—" Professor Cotsoaken began, but was cut off.

"Will you shut up already?" Ron asked angrily.

"Yes he will! SILENCIO!" Hermione chanted. Professor Bottpokin's mouth was still moving but no spoken words were coming out.

"Hah! Now we can, uh, call him Professor Mouth-not-workin!" Ron said loudly.

"Ron! That's just dumb! Couldn't you have come up with something better?" Hermione asked.

"No! The stupid narrator stole all of the good ones that actually made sense, and some that didn't…" Ron said defensively as he trailed off with an afterthought.

"What about Professor Notspoken? Huh? That would work!" Harry shouted.

"Oh well," Ron said. They continued their race and left Professor Hotjokin behind. They arrived at McGonagall's office (she doesn't deserve a professor) and barged right in. Sure enough, there was McGonagall in her nighties. She was wearing a long, light blue shirt that just reached her mid-thigh. She was also wearing a matching hat, whose point reached her shoulder, and a matching pair of bunny slippers.

"Hey, guys!" McGonagall said. "How're you?"

"Nice nighties! I'm liking them!" Hermione said.

"Really? Me too! Wanna wear them?" McGonagall asked.

"Sure. Good idea. AVADA KEDAVRA!" Hermione yelled. She aimed at her professor and she collapsed as a jet beam of green light hit her in the chest. Hermione went over to her dead body, and dragged her into a nearby closet. Minutes later, Hermione came out from the closet in McGonagall's nighties.

"What're you talking about her nighties? They're MINE!!" she shouted obnoxiously at the invisible narrator.

Hermione stood in the middle of the room, striking a pose in **her** new nighties.

"Thank you." She said. "Now how do I look?" she asked.

"Good, but I liked them better when McGonagall was wearing them," Ronald said.

"You sicko! CRUCIO!" Hermione shouted. Ron began to squirm about the floor in extreme pain. "So how do I look?" Hermione asked again, this time, much more intensity in her voice.

"Y-y-you l-look g-gr-ea-eat!" Ron said, his voice staggered from the continuation of pain.

"Well, that's better," Hermione said. She unleashed the curse and Ron got up.

"Oh! Look what I found! It's a small pair of nighties!" Hermione said happily, her preceding anger clearly had disappeared.

"It looks like it would fit Dobby!" Harry stated. "Let's go put it on him. That'll cheer him up."

"Yeah, good idea!" Ron yelled. He turned, ran a few steps, and ran right into the closed door. He fell onto his back, unconscious.

"Well, what do we do now?" Harry asked.

"Open the window," Hermione commanded. Harry obediently opened the window.

"Good. Now let's pick him up." Hermione said. Hermione and Harry picked up Ron, and pushed him out of the open window.

"Oops!" Hermione said sarcastically. In the distance, a soft splash could be heard as Ron made contact with the lake.

"Well, that was fun. I'm glad to be rid of him!" Harry shouted.

After a moment of silence, a soft squishy sound could be heard, far off in the distant hallway. The sound gradually became louder.

"What in the world is that?" Hermione questioned aloud.

"Maybe it's the giant squid!" Harry suggested stupidly.

"You idiot!" Hermione scolded. She pulled a frying pan out of her robes and smacked Harry upon the top of his head. Harry immediately collapsed.

"What was that for?" Harry asked, amazed, from his position on the floor.

"You were being dumb, duh!" Hermione answered.

"Oh, I see. So why do you have a frying pan in your robes?" He questioned.

"I don't know. I have many things in here. Wanna see them?" she inquired.

"Sure," Harry stated excitedly. Hermione and Harry began to look through her robes at the amazing wonders it beheld.

Suddenly, the squishing sound reached its peak noise level, and stopped.

"Ahem," a voice announced. Harry pulled his hands out from the vast insides of her robes as Hermione closed them from view. Before them stood a thoroughly drenched and non-amused figure.

"It's the giant squid!" Harry shouted. Once again, Hermione smacked him upon the head with a frying pan. Not once, not twice, but fifteen times.

"The idiot," she muttered.

"Hit him again!" Ron shouted. "His head sounded a bit hollow!" Hermione smacked him again. CLANG! Sure enough, a hollow sound emitted from Harry's head.

"Can I try it?" Ron asked enthusiastically, getting his hopes up.

"Sure," Hermione responded. Ron squealed as she offered the frying pan to Ron. Ron smacked him on the head with a loud and solid, CLANG!

"Wow! This is fun!" Ron shouted enthusiastically.

"This seems vaguely familiar," Hermione began in an eerie and solemn voice. "It's almost like a déjà vu."

"Duh! Remember? Chapter one?" Harry questioned from the floor.

"Huh?" Ron asked.

"What?" Hermione also asked. "Oh right! Chapter one! How could I forget?" she shouted as she smacked her forehead.

"I thought that it was deja blue, not déjà vu," run stated absentmindedly.

"You idiot! Deja blue is a water!" Hermione screamed abnormally loud. She smacked Ron on the head, which, surprisingly, was louder than her screaming outburst. And that was the end of Ron. But not because he was dead or anything. By all means possible, he was far from death. However, that all too familiar, and growing annoying change had begun to occur.

"Not again!" Harry stated. "I'm really getting tired of this nonsensical nonsense."

"You can say that again!" Hermione sneered.

"Not again!" Harry stated. "I'm really getting tired of this nonsense-"

"Enough already!" Hermione snarled. She smacked him on the head with the clearly dented frying pan.

By this time, the transformation was way past complete and a middle height, teen male with unusually blonde hair and an uglier pale complexion stood before them.

"Malfoy?" Why the heck were you in that red-headed, freckle faced, fat git of a pureblood traitor's sorry excuse for a body?" Harry asked, amazed.

"Well, Potter, you may not have realized this, but, you have a really hot friend that you have with you all the time. I just wanted to be around her," Malfoy stated emotionally.

"Oh, you mean Ron? Yeah, he is pretty hot, I can't blame you for crushing on him," Harry said, unaware of the fact that Malfoy was talking about Hermione.

"No, you idiot!" Malfoy began. "Give me that!" He snarled as he reached out for the frying pan in Hermione's hands. He yanked and tugged until she finally gave in. Then he smacked Harry on the head.

"I was talking about your mudbloodish, gansta, maniac, serial killer of a friend, Hermione!" he shouted at the thoroughly bruised boy. Hermione blushed.

"Oh, and I like you too," Hermione whispered as she seductively backed Malfoy against the wall. She backed up suddenly. "Take a step to the left," she ordered. He took one step to her left, his right. "I said left!" she yelled as she took a bigger, and shinier, frying pan out of her robes and smacked Malfoy on the head. Behind her, Harry had a confused look on his face as he mouthed the words 'what the—'.

"Now take two steps to **your** left," She ordered. He obeyed and ended up right in front of the open window. Hermione leaned in as if she was going to kiss him, but at the last millisecond before their lips met, she pushed him out of the window.

"Toodles!" she said enthusiastically.

"Hurry! Give him gills so that when he gets out of the water, he can't breathe!" Harry shouted.

"Yeah!" Hermione chorused as she sent a spell at the freefalling lad. A faint splash could be heard, and then a minute later, a small person crawled onto the beach and began to walk towards the castle. Within the minute, he was clutching his throat and died on the spot, lying in a heap.

"Good Job!" Harry shouted. Hermione and Harry slapped hands, in a high-five sort of way.

"Thanks! I always do a good job!" Hermione stated in a very conceited way.

"Ooookay…So should we go make Dobby try on the mini-nighties?" Harry asked the conceited little woman.

"Sure, why not?" Hermione responded, all the while glaring at the ceiling above her. "You're pushing it now, buddy," she muttered under her breath.

Harry and Hermione arrived at the Hospital Wing after a relatively uneventful trip, because of the fact that they had killed the majority of the students, but mainly because it was after eleven o'clock at night.

Harry pushed the door open, as he and Hermione barged right into the dark room.

"We could use some light in here!" Hermione said as she burst several nearby beds into flames. "Much better," she said.

Madame Pomfrey came running when she heard all of the racket. She, like McGonagall, was only in her nighties.

"What is going on in here?" Madame Pomfrey asked in bewilderment, which was clearly written across her face.

"Um, well, we thought that we should visit our poor and unfortunate friend, Dobby," Harry began. "And I would like to know what happened to him. I have no idea how he could get hurt as badly as he did," Harry finished sarcastically.

"Well, you have just visited. Now you can leave. It's after hours! I cannot allow you to remain here any longer," Madame Pomfrey stated defiantly.

"Whatever!" Hermione yelled as she slapped Madame Pomfrey. Harry cheered. "Now, you'll show me where Dobby is, you stupid, ugly lady!"

"Why, I never! I've heard enough from you! You are going down, little girl!" Madame Pomfrey shouted angrily.

"Big mistake, lady!" Hermione reached into Harry's robes, pulled out his gun, and turned towards the now frightened woman. "Any last words?"

"Um, yes, actually, I have some. That is, if you don't mind," Madame Pomfrey began. Hermione shook her head, gesturing for her to go on. "Thank you. Now, I would like to tell my mum that I love her, and that she's the best person in the world. EVER. I'd like to tell my sister to get a life, you stupid butt munching, money-stealing leech. And I'd like to tell my dad to go to He—"

"Let's keep the cursing to a minimum, got it?" Hermione told her, the gun still aimed at her chest.

"Got it," Madame Pomfrey began for a second time. "As I was saying, my dad should go, uh, down there. He's also a stupid, fu—"

"Keep this up and you'll be going down there with him!" Hermione screamed angrily.

'Fine!" Madame Pomfrey yelled just as loud, if not louder. "HE IS A STUPID PIECE OF SHI—"

"Times up!" Hermione yelled dramatically. She began to pull the trigger in slow motion.

"Hurry! Help me, Harry!" Madame Pomfrey yelled to the bored out of his mind boy. Harry reached into his robes, and faster than the speed of light, pulled out a second gun from the deep inside. BANG! He shot if faster than Hermione, and Madame Pomfrey's head was blown from her body. It landed at the foot of a bed, and screamed, "Ow! That hurt, you son of a—" BANG! Hermione's gun finally went off, and finally killed the ancient looking Madame Pomfrey.

"Yay!" Harry clapped and cheered. "That was sooo cool!"

"Yeah it was!" Hermione yelled. "So why in the bloody world did we come here?"

"Um, I don't really remember. But I think that it had something to do with Dobby," Harry pondered.

"Was it this?" Hermione asked as she ran over to Dobby's bed. She raised her arm in the air and violently karate chopped him across the stomach. Dobby let out a groan in pain as he rolled over and clutched at his side.

"No, no, not that. I think it had something to do with his clothes," Harry suggested.

"Right! I remember now!" Hermione yelled enthusiastically. She went right up to Dobby, pulled him out of the sheets, and stripped him of all of his scarce and rubbish, if you could even call it that, clothing. "Tada! He's done!" Hermione stepped back to admire her 'masterpiece'.

"Noooo! That's not right either!" Harry shouted, annoyed.

"Urgh, fine then! Whatever…I guess I'll just have to, oh wait! Duh! Here, this should be right," Hermione laid Dobby back down on the bed, reached her hand back that held his filthy pillowcase, and whip lashed his backside with the ruddy clothing attire.

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow!" Dobby screamed in agony as he clutched his rear end.

"Hermione! Quit abusing the ugly elf! He's in great pain!" Harry yelled at Hermione. He chanted an enchantment to numb the pain for Dobby, but failed miserably. Dobby lied limp on the hospital bed, even when Hermione shook him.

"Put the nighties on him," Harry commanded her.

"Hey! I remember it now! I have to put the nighties on him!" Hermione exclaimed happily. She ran around in circles excitedly, and then stopped when she ran out of breath. She then pulled a pair of nighties out of her robes and ran to put them on dobby. Within seconds, Dobby was dressed entirely in the feminine color, light blue.

"Now wake him up so that he can see how stunningly gorgeous he looks," Harry commanded once again.

"I can't! He's unconscious!" Hermione screamed back at Harry, very angry at his ignorance.

"Well, then use your frying pan!" Harry retorted, just as loud and just as furiously.

"Riiiiight," Hermione said. She looked into her robes and pulled out an enormous ring, a high-tech oven, and an ugly old fossilized fossil. She then threw out a yellowing newspaper that landed right next to the pile of odds and ends. Harry picked up the newspaper and began to flip through it. He failed to notice that Hermione threw a banana out from the inside of her robes, and that a monkey came chasing out after it.

Hermione finally had found what she had been looking for. It turned out to be a very large frying pan. She put Dobby into the pan and began to walk towards the door of the Hospital Wing. She stopped and turned suddenly when she reached the row of flaming beds. She held Dobby over the flames of the nearest bed, waiting for him to cook.

Harry flipped back to the front page of the Daily Prophet, a highly unreliable resource that got all of its information wrong except for things involving Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"You know, 'Mione, there were several things stolen from wizarding London about a week ago? It says here that a ring with an enormous red ruby emblazing it, a high-tech, digital, muggle stove and oven, and a stupid old fossil that nobody in the world had ever cared about was stolen by a middle height female. Would you happen to know anything about this?" Harry inquired, glancing at the goods piled before him.

"Um, of course not! Why would I know anything about this dumb old robbery?" Hermione questioned sarcastically. "Are you crazy?"

Harry hadn't caught onto the sarcasm, believing her every word. "Um, possibly. My doctors really haven't figured out what the heck is wrong with me yet," Harry stated meekly. Silence erupted into the room for three very long, short seconds.

"Done!" Hermione piped up. She took the frying pan out of the flames and poured Dobby onto an enormous plate that she had conjured, and was placed in the center of the aisle created by the beds. She sat down by the gigantic plate.

"Hungry?" she asked him as she carnivorously tore one of Dobby's leg off from the rest of his black charred body. She offered the part-of-an-elf to Harry.

"Sure," he said, taking the leg as he sat down, emitting a slight laugh.

And you've made it! Congrats! Thank you for your time, please check out my other stories, that is, if you're interested. Thanks! 


	5. Chapter 5

~Chapter 5~

Harry and Hermione were sitting on the cold floor of the deserted Hospital Wing, eating off of a fresh plate of fried Dobby.

"This is really quite good!" Harry stated, his mouth full after taking a large bite out of Dobby's arm.

"It sure is," Hermione chorused as she bit ravenously into Dobby's

foot.

Harry and Hermione ate and talked, and ate some more, discussing what they were going to do next. They finally came to the conclusion, after much of Dobby's charred body had been eaten, that they were going to make a list of everyone they had killed in the past week.

"Wow, this has been an eventful week," Hermione sighed.

"Yeah…week? What do you mean week? It's only been a day!" Harry responded furiously.

"It's been a week, not a day," Hermione said very calmly. "And quit your yelling, Harry."

BANG! Harry shot Dobby, or rather, the torso and head of Dobby. Juices and organs splattered everywhere.

"Harry!' BANG! He shot him again. "You're making me lose my appetite for Dobby, Harry!" BANG! Dobby was once again shot.

"Stop that!" Hermione screamed. She tackled Harry, wrestled the gun from his hands, and threw it out the broken window. "Hah!" She taunted.

Harry reached into his robes, pulled out another gun, and stuck his tongue out at Hermione. Hermione flipped him the bird.

"Now, back to our list," Hermione said. She pulled out a loooong roll of parchment, a feather quill, and two full inkbottles.

#1- Dobby

"Ooh, Dobby has been killed or hurt so many times. Poor thing. At first I felt bad, but now, killing Dobby is sorta my hobby!" Hermione stated aloud. Hey, that rhymes! And, look, I made up a poem."

She recited: " I have a hobby

His name is Dobby

And no, I don't do him in bed.

We stabbed and we shot

He screamed and we fought,

And now we rip off his head."

AT the end of her poem, Hermione reached down, reached down, ripped Dobby's head off, and took an enormous bite from it.

"Yum, the best part!" She said while chewing.

"Okay, whatever. Can we just get back to the list?" Harry asked, afraid of her odd-ballness.

#2- Vernon (Uncle Vernon) Dursley

"Wow! That was the happiest moment in my entire life! It was amazing!" Harry screamed with delight.

"Ah, I see. Cool, I guess," Hermione said sarcastically. She began to write again.

#3- Dudley Dursley

"Hey!" Harry moaned and whined. "Add, ' the fat pig' to the end of it!"

"No! That's just dumb!" Hermione sneered.

Harry reached for the quill and snatched it, quickly dipping it into the inkbottle. He quickly scribbled next to 'Dudley Dursley' the words:

The fat pig, who I hate with an extreme passion. A passion that is not met except from the passion I feel from Hermiii

"Okay! Enough!" Hermione screamed.

"Wait a second. We didn't ever kill Dudley!" Harry pondered aloud. "Scratch him off the list."

"No," Hermione answered.

"What?!" Harry asked furiously.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Okay it's settled then," Hermione said with a grin. Harry grunted and folded his arms.

#4- Voldemort, Lord of the Death Eaters

"That was a fun one. In one pull of a trigger, my life's misery had finally ended," Harry stated triumphantly.

"No, it wasn't just one pull of the trigger. I recall that you shot him not once, not twice, but fifteen times," Hermione rebounded in a matter-of-factly way.

"What? Well, I had to make sure that he was dead, alright?" Harry said.

"Whatever," Hermione mumbled.

#5- Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge

"I hate him."

#6 Vernon (Uncle Vernon) Dursley

"Wow! That was a hard one! Let's never try to throw a 350 pound man out of a small train window ever again. My arms are still sore!" Hermione said with an after thought.

"That's because we did that today," Harry corrected her.

"What?! Not this again. We did that earlier this week!" Hermione complained.

"No, we didn't. Get your days straight." He said.

"Whatev,' Hermione muttered, giving Harry the 'talk to the hand' sign.

After a moment of silence, Hermione spoke. "Wait, didn't we just write this down like five minutes ago?"

"Um.. I think so, lemme check." Harry looked towards the top of their list and found Vernon's name. "Yep. We did."

"Oh. I guess he's just so large, we had to write him down twice," Hermione commented.

#7- Sig, Krew's (the headmaster) bodyguard

"That was so dumb. The stupid headmaster had a bodyguard that was so easy to kill," Harry noted.

"Yeah, it was really funny to see his face when you killed him, too. And then when he missed the spell, he started crying like my sister does when Barney isn't on." Hermione said, all in one breath.

"Hermione, you don't have a sister," Harry said worriedly.

"Yes I do! She's sitting right next to you!" Hermione said in a defensive tone. "Can't you see her?"

"No."

#8- Parvati Patil

"Hah!" Hermione snorted. "There's one less person who snores tonight! Score!

#9- Lavender Brown

"Oooh, I like her. She's a hottie with a body!" Harry said excitedly.

"What the heck does that mean?" Hermione questioned him. "Could she just be a hottie with head?"

"That would work for me," Harry suggested.

"You're an odd one." Hermione muttered.

#10- Luna (Loony Luna) Lovegood

"I hate her! She's so weird! Well, she was, no she's dead. And I killed her!" Hermione screamed. "Mwahahaha!"

"Lol. That was funny." Harry giggled.

"Lol? WTF?" Hermione questioned angrily.

"What is WTF?" Harry asked innocently.

"IDK. My sister told me it stands for Waffles That Flip," Hermione replied.

"What sister?!" Harry yelled.

"The one sitting next to you! I thought we had already discussed this!" Hermione said. "Brb!" With that, Hermione ran out of the room, leaving Harry with a confused look on his face. Hermione came running back.

"Brb?" Harry asked.

"Oh, it means Bringing Red Butterbeer," Hermione answered.

"Oh." Harry said.

"So… sup?" Hermione asked.

"Nm." Harry said.

"Nm? Huh?" Hermione asked blatantly.

"Naked Monkeys. Duh." Harry sneered.

"Ic. Who told you that?" Hermione wondered.

"Oh, voldie did. Ic?" Harry asked her.

"Intelligent cockroaches. Ring any bells?" Hermione said with a laugh.

"This is dumb. G2g. You know, grinding 2 goats?" Harry said.

"Oooooh. Riiiiiight!" Hermione said, dragging out each vowel.

#11 Snape (He doesn't deserve a 'Professor'. Ring a bell?)

"Woohoo! I killed him! I killed him!" Hermione started dancing around.

"Cool!" Harry said sarcastically. "Hey! Remember after that when somebody put him in the cauldron?"

"Oh Yeah! Who was that?" Hermione asked loudly.

After a long moment, Harry shouted, "Neville!"

"Oh right! Duh" Hermione screamed. "Hey! And what was he saying? It sounded like some other language."

"Um, no, he was speaking English, Hermione." Harry corrected.

"Oh, well, my sister said he was speaking Portuguese." Hermione stuttered.

"WHAT! BLOODY! SISTER?!" Harry screamed at her.

"She's not_ BLOODY,_ she's perfectly healthy. And, she's the one who likes to run, but has no legs, talks all the time, but has no mouth, loves to listen to the bands Spice Girls, Aaron Carter, and ICP, but has no ears, writes letters, but has no arms, looks at magazines, but has no eyes, loves the smell of-," Hermione began, but was cut off.

"That's enough! If she doesn't have any of these major body parts, then she doesn't exist!" shouted an enraged Harry.

"I wasn't finished," Hermione retorted.

"Oh brother," Harry muttered

"No! Oh _sister,_" Hermione corrected enthusiastically.

#12 Ronald Weasley/Dudley (the fat barge) Dursley

"Heh! I shot Dudley!" Harry cheered.

"No, you shot Ron," Hermione said.

"No! Dudley used a Polyjuice potion to turn into Ron, which he got from Luna, who got it from a turkey that found it in the middle of a forest, which as left there by Dobby after being hit by a bulldozer following a previous two-hour chase by a bulldozer who was going to demolish a Post Office, at which Dobby picked up the Polyjuice potion after it was shipped from Bangkok, Thailand, because Dobby had bought the potion on Ebay from a man named Roonlib Weaslby," Harry finished in one breath.

"What?" Hermione questioned.

"I said, Dudley used a Polyjuice potion to turn into Ron, which he got from Lu-," Harry began.

"I know what you said, I just didn't catch it all," Hermione out-bursted.

"Do you want me to repeat myself?" Harry asked enthusiastically.

"Aww, shut your face," Hermione sighed. With a confused look on his face, Harry began o push his head inward, except it didn't work very well.

#13 Professor Trelawney

"Hah! A superstitious number for a superstitious freak!" Hermione cheered. "Hey! That rhymes!"

"Superstitious? What does that mean?" Harry asked.

"I dunno, my sister told me that it's just a stitious that is super," Hermione said.

"Ugh, you have no sister!" Harry yelled for the umpteenth time.

"Actually author, it was only the third time, and yes, I do have a sister. Anyway, wasn't it funny how that freak said, 'There's death in your near future,' and then I said, 'You got that right girlfriend?' I thought it was," Hermione sighed.

Harry sat there staring at Hermione, dumbstruck.

" You're boring, Harry," Hermione shouted as she stood up. Harry whipped his gun from his robes, and shot Peeves, who just happened to float through the wall at that time. He coughed twice, and slammed to the ground with a dull 'thud'.

"You just shot a ghost!" Hermione screamed.

"Yeah," Harry said.

"Whatever, let's go to that dance," Hermione stated as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Sounds good to me," Harry muttered.

They walked down many flights of stairs, down winding passages, and through-

"Hey! There's Neville's toad!" Harry yelled, pointing at it and chasing the toad down the hall. "Come here, Toady! Come here!" Harry chased the toad for several minutes and finally gave up. He pulled out his gun and shot the toad from being. Its guts splattered all over the walls, floor, and the ceiling.

"Serves it right," Harry said proudly.

Harry and Hermione finally made it to the Great Hall. They threw open the doors to see about one-third of the Hall filled with people. Many of them wore masks and tall pointy hats.

"Where is everyone?" Hermione asked.

"And why are there Death Eaters here?" Harry questioned.

Krew, the headmaster, was standing nearby and answered their questions. "Well, you killed almost half the students today. And now, the majority of those remaining are afraid to come here with you crazy kids around." Hermione nodded in agreement. He continued, "And for the Death Eaters, they are here because I invited them, there weren't many guests, and I felt lonely."

"Oh, sounds fair enough," Harry said, and walked away.

They danced for a bit, drank, and ate when Harry suddenly had an idea, "I just remembered!" Harry shouted. "Dumblydory wanted me to destroy the horcruxes!"

"Who cares what that old git wanted? He's dead," Hermione said heartlessly.

"True. I sure don't. But this dance is a total bust," Harry said, looking at all the drunkenly passed out Death Eaters.

"ACCIO VOLDIE'S HORCRUXES!" Harry screamed, pointing his wand into the air.

"That won't work," Hermione said.

"Eh, probably not," Harry said, sitting down.

A moment later, a girl screamed. "A-a snake!" she stuttered, pointing at Voldemort's snake as it flew into the Great Hall. The rest of the 902,587,421 horcruxes followed in shortly after.

"What a moron. Dumblydory thought there were only seven. Boy, was he off his rocker or what!" Hermione laughed. "Anyway, kill that snake!"

"Hey guys!" Ron said as he walked over to them. The snake turned after Ron and swallowed him whole.

"Oh no," Harry said emotionlessly.

"Oh well," Hermione sneered.

"True. Now time for the horcruxes." He destroyed the 902,587,421 horcruxes with his gun, resulting in a big explosion each time. It went like this:

"Die!" BANG! BOOM! "Die!" BANG! BOOM! "Die!" BANG! BOOM! "Die!" BANG! BOOM! "Die!" BANG! BOOM! "Die!" BANG! BOOM! "Die!" BANG! BOOM! "Die!" BANG! BOOM!—

"Alright author! No more, before I turn _you_ into a horcrux," Hermione shouted at me.

"Alright 'Mione" I said. Hermione grinned.

"Woohoo!" Harry cheered. He and Hermione high-fived.

Suddenly, Voldemort appeared. "Why did you destroy my 902,587,421 horcruxes Potter?" he sneered.

"I dunno," he responded. "I was bored."

"Well, now I'm going to die," Voldie said sadly.

"Okay," said Harry.

"I'm melting! I'm melting!" Voldie screamed hysterically.

"No you're not," Harry said dully.

"I'm not?" Voldie asked, checking his body over.

"Nope." Harry shook his had.

"Yay me," Voldie cheered, clapping his hands together and bouncing up and down. He quickly hugged Harry, and then Hermione (who punched him). Then he skipped out of the Great Hall.

"Weird," Harry commented.


End file.
